oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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