she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
