your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
