Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize