I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
