Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
