If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
