I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
