My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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