he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
