I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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