i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
