In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
