Three words: puerto rican gang bang
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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