I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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