my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
