She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
