i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
