So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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