I am puke
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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