I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
