I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
