At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
