I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
