if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
