i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize