Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We are two peas in an std pod
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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