I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
