I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
