When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
