At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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