Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think i have herpe
just one?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
