I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
