JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
