who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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