Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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