So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I did not marry a roomba.
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