Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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