I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
