i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
