I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
