drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
