i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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