Soap is not a condiment
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
