ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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