I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
