i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
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