I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
