I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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