I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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