that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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