you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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