im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she woke up with a sticky ear
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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