at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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