i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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