I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
