your parents love me but you hate me
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
