You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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