We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
