Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
