You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
