So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
