i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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