Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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