I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
