woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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