We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
