i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
