Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
