My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
